New Years!

Sorry for not posting in a while, sort of been doing some inner searching as well as just trying to hang with my loved ones as much as possible before I have to head back to university. Either I'm a little late to the game on this or right on time, either way I don't care to be frank, but I figured it would only be expected that I try to talk about New Years Resolutions.

Every year prior to this one I never gave them any thought whatsoever, I just figured blegh it's just some stupid thing people do to look good for others around the holidays, and that's exactly what the "I'm gonna lose weight!" kind of resolutions are for. After all the things I experienced with starting to finally act like an adult I figured this would be a good time to start taking this sort of thing more seriously and actually put some thought into some ways I want to better myself.

Obviously I want to try and get in shape and eat healthier, those are life long things I'm always going to struggle with, picking those sorts of things would be a cop out for me personally. After really reflecting I've decided that my resolution is to follow through with plans more consistently. That may sound really general and stupid but for nearly all of my life, I've had trouble with it whether it be something as simple as making plans to go to lunch with a person or something as big as trying to make a lifestyle change and exercise regularly. When I make a plan to practice for an afternoon or study or work out three days a week I'm going to be damn certain that I do it. There has been tons of times in the last two years alone where I had an idea conceptualized in my head and I just went "eh whatever I'll do it later," and forgot about it. This has caused stress numerous times because I didn't practice enough for my recital, I didn't do my homework on time and I upset my friend because I cancelled on them numerous times for no reason. The biggest reason I'm choosing this is because for the first time ever, EVER I did not pass a class and received an unsatisfactory mark on my college transcript. I had enrolled in an American History class because it was required for my generals on my degree at CSU. The class was not difficult by any stretch of the imagination; it was merely a lecture class with four tests and four quizzes. I just stopped going to the class. Just stopped, whatever. Why? Not because it was too hard, but because the class was handled by the professor in a way I don't find efficient. Yes it was frustrating because I never knew what was going to be on tests and often times the homework did not line up with the lectures, but I had made a commitment by keeping that class on after the add/drop period at my school and I did not respect that. Now my GPA has dropped from a 3.8 to a 3.0 and it's likely I'll have less money next semester because of it. It greatly disappoints me that something this severe is what has made me realize that I have trouble committing to things. So my plan is to just follow through with all plans, no matter how small and hold myself to a higher standard when doing so.

Feeling shitty

Hey anyone who cares, no fitness update today other than the fact that I've decided it would be better for me in the long run to stop drinking pop and eating french fries. I've also begun to make a more conscious choice about my portion size when eating.

But man, I really wish that my feelings for another person wouldn't cause me so much discontent in my life. Most of the time I'm super okay with being single, I've been single for almost 3 years and most of the time I'm just fine with it. Last night something made me think that there may have been a chance this one girl, who shall remain nameless though if she were to read this she would know exactly who I'm talking about, but in the back of my mind I knew I was wrong. And of course I was. I'm not certain why I'm having such a hard time getting over it, because when I do think about it, I always go back to thinking "Yes, we're definitely better as friends. Dating could ruin everything." I guess it's just hard when I find a person I feel like I'm truly compatible with. That's a thing that doesn't happen often for me. Another thing that makes it worse is that towards the middle of last summer before we both moved away for college, we're both home on break if any were wondering, I had admitted that I was starting to have feelings for her and she had said that she was feeling the same way. Of course I had internally decided that it would be a bad idea to explore that any further considering we were both moving away soon. I'm sure she felt the same way.

I get attached too easily and I'm too sensitive. I've been told by some of my female friends that they're so glad to see an openly emotional guy and that it gives them strength. I think it fucking sucks. Being emotional doesn't make me feel good. To be honest half the time it makes me feel weak. It makes me feel like some people probably treat me differently for fear of stepping on my toes and causing me hurt.

I don't know I'm really confused right now I guess. Makes it hard to want to keep doing productive things. Sorry for the whiny teenager post, back to "normal" things later.

-Bryan

Why Not?

Well, considering that it's likely no one actually reads this blog I think I can say it's safe for me to talk about my exercising journey here and not feel like an attention whore for it. As much as I enjoy intrinsic motivation it's really hard for me to stay motivated solely on my own when it comes to exercising. So I figured why not talk about it here?

Throughout my entire life I've always felt lower than other people because of my weight and appearance resulting from it. To be frank, I've always really hated myself and felt like I was less of a man because of it. I guess I finally want to feel confident in myself, I've just never quite had the will power to see an exercise regiment through to the end so I'm hoping my blogging for naught aids me in doing so.

Today I currently weigh 225 pounds and I just started the Insanity workout DVD's. As I assumed I had to stop many times throughout the first DVD and was unable to finish the entire workout before the cool down. This is a little discouraging but I feel like I did a little better than I thought I was going to. My goal now is to by the end of the entire set of DVD's, it's a two month program if I'm not mistaken, would be to get to at least 200 pounds. Farther down the road I would really love to see as low as 180. As for a smaller goal I want to be able to at least make it through the warm up portion of the work outs, which is a bout 15 minutes of constant activity, by the end of week two.

Signing off,
Bryan

Achievement Unlocked: First Semester Away from Home

Well I did it! I completed my first semester of college away from home and I must say it was an interesting experience. It was really hard at first, I found myself extremely depressed because I had to leave so many of my close friends as well as my family. Things really got bleak in the beginning. I feel like I've grown as a human being, however, and learned a lot about myself. Speaking of learning, man did it become evident that there's just so many things that I'm bad at as well as inexperienced with. I always thought it strange because some of my friends always seem to forget that I'm the youngest in our circle, which came as quite a surprise. But being on my own just made me really feel like a kid. I had to do my own laundry for the first time ever, buy my own food and try to manage my own money, and after doing all these things on my own the first time I realize that I am fucking terrible at being an adult; I have a lot of growing up to do, especially in the way of money management.

All that being said I feel this was a very positive experience, especially from an academic standpoint, aside from my history class. I'm really disappointed in myself about that one. The teacher was terrible, and as a result I allowed myself to stop caring because his class was so frustrating and I stopped attending the class rather than just try and push through on my own. Other than that all my other classes, the ones that actually matter to my degree path, went extremely well and I feel I've grown a lot as a musician.

The first semester went well, now I need to plan to make sure the second one goes even better.

Ugh

I'm finding out more and more how much of an are of contention is with people as compared to something like the visual arts. Something I find more and more often is that it is extremely easy to share say, a drawing or painting with a person than it is a piece of music. You can just share an image with a person and they can glance at it but if you want to show a person a song that you did they have to take time and effort to experience it, and often times when people have musician friends they're really not into what they're doing at all and try to be supportive even though it could be a thing that they hate.

So I guess you could say the answer is, "Well Bryan if you don't want to bother your buddies with your stuff why not just post online and wait?" Sure that's great, but nine times out of ten when a person just kind of shares their music out there it's extremely unlikely that people will comment or even give it the time of day. Not to mention the fact that on the fucking internet the people who usually speak up are people who think they have everything thing figured out and they just tell you that you're a piece of shit and suck and that you should quit.

All of this just makes me feel so devalued in what I'm doing. I love making music, playing music makes me happy and makes me want to get out of bed in the morning, but if no one cares. I don't know. Why try to share myself with people when most will just dismiss it as trite and meaningless? Or just something that they don't like, or something that they don't get because they feel too stupid to comprehend it.

I feel so confused

Hello World!

Well, it's 2am and I have things to do tomorrow and of course I'm not sleeping like I should be so I decided why not try this blogging thing? Clearly I need another medium with which to spew my bullshit thoughts to be ignored by the vast sea of users on the internet. That's super important.

As my super embarrassing title suggests I'm a fan of electronic music and coffee, which are likely to be topics that I'll talk about when I feel like posting in addition whatever happens to catch my fancy at the time of a post's conception.

Prepare for weird, probably sometimes nonsensical stupid shit that decides to leave my head and sit on a digital page taking up space for your viewing pleasure, or displeasure. This is a thing!